She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Dignity is for republicans.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I love you.
Bad choice
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