Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Sorry about my life...
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
