My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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