I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
birth control should be required to get into college
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
