I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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