I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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