i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
