yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
