I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
