It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
