No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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