So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
