I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
