Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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