her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I had to cum in my sink.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
