you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
