my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
