I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
