Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
