He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
