i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
