Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Randomize
