her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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