I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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