I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
