This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
