i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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