I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
