Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
