last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
