i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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