It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
