I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
