Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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