I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
