hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
