I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
