yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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