my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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