Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
