I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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