i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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