apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
