I met the friendliest cop last night
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
