Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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