I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Randomize
