I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
