i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
