He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
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