seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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