I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Randomize
