cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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