You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
