I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
