After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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