she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
