I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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